1. This afternoon I went to the shop and bought a cucumber. In fact I splashed out and bought a whole one instead of a half. What can I say? I was feeling flush. I saweth with mine own eyes the checkout lady put it in my bag. When I got home … dun, dun dun duh…(that is the literary representation of tension building music by the way) … there was no cucumber. Either my bag harbours a hole in the space-time continuum or I am so dopey that I didn’t notice when a 40cm long vegetable made a leap for freedom out my bag and onto the floor.
2. This man.
Scary isn’t he? His name is Gareth and he is taking great pains to torture me on a regular basis. He wants me to look like the lady on the right here.
I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen. Mainly because I have no idea how I would make myself that particular effervescent shade of orange. I’m also not sure what possessed me to rent a Ministry of Sound keep fit video. I HATE dance music! It’s as if I thought trying to keep up with complicated footwork whilst sweating the equivalent of Bangladesh’s annual rainfall would not be torture enough. Oh no, I up the pain by doing it to a Euro-trance re-mix of Katy Perry’s latest single.
3. In order to get through the above workout I have to scrape my hair into an unflattering ponytail/quiff combination and HOLY CRAP!! I think my forehead has doubled in size since I had my fringe cut.
It wasn’t the size of a small child before was it? Was it?
4. (Deep breath here) THERE IS A MOUSE IN MY FLAT (and exhale)
I have kind of known this for about week, when strange nibbling noises started emanating from under the floorboards, but I chose to live in denial. I told myself it was probably tap dancing fairies. Today brought the discovery of a chewed through bag of rice and several presents of mouse poo. I am now too scared to eat anything or eat from anything that has been in my kitchen. (I am not dirty. I am not dirty I am not dirty. Repeat ad nauseum until the nauseous feeling passes)
This means that I find this …
more terrifying than this…
Gareth may make me jump around like a lunatic but even he can’t make me throw away a half eaten packet of chocolate digestives.
Ha! Now you know how I felt when I had mice! And I seem to remember getting absolutely no sympathy from you! So as your great friend, all I can say is: hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
x
ps. Boiling water always does the trick!
No, no, no. It was the killing by pouring boiling water over the mouse that got you no sympathy. But Loz, seriously. What if I have to move a dead mouse??? I am not good with dead things. I think it would actually kill me. I can’t even touch raw chicken without freaking out.